User blog:ReCattailMagnet/Jay Potter and the Pixosopher's Stone
This is a parody of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone. Chapter 1: The Penguin Who Lived Halmus Dumbledonut walked through the woods on a dark night, looking for the house belonging to the Senseis. Suddenly, a giant donutcycle flew out of nowhere and crashed right next to Dumbledonut. "What are you doing, Chagrid!" asked Halmus. "You told me I could get the boy. You didn't say I couldn't steal your donutcycle," replied the large, bearded penguin. Suddenly, a black cat Puffle came out of nowhere. "Fancy meeting you here, Minerpan McLocagall," Halmus told the cat. "How did you know it was me?" asked McLocagall. "Well, not many cat Puffles are black," replied Dumbledonut. McLocagall turned back into a penguin. Her frying pan-shaped glasses fell off. "AHH! I can't see! Where are my glasses?" she asked. Suddenly, the glasses exploded into a million tiny little pieces. Chagrid replied, "I think they just exploded into a million tiny little pieces." Dumbledonut told her, "I think somebody used one of the Unpredictable Curses on your glasses." "Unpredictable curses! I HATE UNPREDICTABLE CURSES!" she said. Dumbledonut said, "Chagrid, put the boy on the porch." He picked up a book called Willywob and the Creation of Club Polar Bear by Gillderoy Lockshark. "This book is very interesting!" he exclaimed. Chagrid put the little penguin on the porch. "Do you think he'll be okay?" asked Dumbledonut without looking up from his book. "Yes sir!" replied Chagrid. "Are you sure?" asked Proffesor McLocagall. "I'm absolutely sure!" Chagrid said. "His parents were killed by (s)he-who-shall-not-be-named." They put Jay Potter on the doorstep. Chapter 2: The Vanishing Gas There once was a penguin or something named Jay Potter. He lived with the Sensei family because his parents were dead. Jay had a cloud-shaped scar on his forehead. He lived with his aunt, uncle, and his cousin Rookley. None of them really liked him. Jay knew that his aunt and uncle favored Rookley, but he wasn't sure why. Jay lived in a small cupboard under the stairs. Aunt Paigetunia and Uncle Veagles never celebrated his birthday. They only celebrated Rookley's. In fact, when Jay was 9, they took Rookley to the zoo for his birthday with Rookley's friend, Rockhoppiers Creamsodiss. At the zoo, they saw thousands of different Puffle species. "Can I ride the big elephant Puffle?" asked Rookley. Aunt Paigetunia threw Rookley on top of the elephant Puffle, and the zookeeper had to get him off. They were about to be escorted out of the zoo when... "There's a snake Puffle on the loose," another zookeeper told the other one. "All right," said the zookeeper, "but you stay here while we go look for the snake Puffle." After they left, Jay's aunt and cousin ran as far away from the elephants as they could. When Jay (finally) caught up to them, they were looking at the tiger Puffles. Suddenly, there was an announcement on the loudspeaker. "There is a snake on the loose! Do not panic, we have this under control. Also, if you see a big, dumb, fat kid and his even bigger, dumber, fatter mother, report to us immediately." Rookley and Paigetunia ran as fast as they could. When Jay caught up to them (again), they were screaming. Jay looked at what they were looking at, and there was a snake Puffle right there. "What's that smell?" asked the snake Puffle. "How are you talking?" asked Jay. "If you can understand me, tell me what that smell is! It's killing me!" the snake told Jay. Jay sniffed the air. Apparently, Rookley had cut the cheese. "My cousin here apparently relieved himself," Jay told the Puffle. "Well, can you make the smell go away?" the snake asked. Suddenly, the smell disappeared when Jay thought of it. "Thank you," the Puffle said, "and now I'm going to get revenge!" The snake Puffle jumped on Rookley's face and bit him everywhere. After he was eventually healed four days later, the zookeeper finally found them and told them that they needed to be escorted from the zoo, and that he was sorry for the inconvenience. Also, the snake Puffle was found and put back in it's cage. Jay wondered how in the world that snake could talk to him, but it slipped his mind over two years. Chapter 3: The Letters For Someone Jay, now 11, knew the Senseis were hiding something from him. One day, a letter came from him. "BURN IT! BURN IT WITH FIRE!" said his Uncle Veagles. And so they burned the letter. The following day, a bunch of letters came down the chimney. "AH!!!" Aunt Paigetunia said. She burned the letters like the ones that came before. Snowy owls were appearing everywhere, delivering letters to the Sensei family. They locked themselves up in the house for five days, but the letters kept coming down the chimney. The letters kept coming and they kept losing firewood, so they had to go to a hotel called the PSA Resort. Unfortunately, the handsome penguin who worked there who was absolutely charming named Narrator gave them more letters. The guy was known for awesomely narrating the PSA Roleplays until he was fired for no reason at all. After his job at the hotel, he quit his job and started writing epic fanfiction. They then sailed to an island far away called Blisk on a stormy night. They got a house to stay in. It was the night before Jay's birthday. Suddenly, Jay woke up and heard a noise. He walked downstairs and Rooksley was eating his birthday cake! Suddenly, a huge penguin burst into the building. "My name's Chagrid," said the penguin. "And you need to read this letter." The bearded penguin handed him a letter. Chapter 4: The Keeper of the Sneeze The letter read: Mr. J. Potter The Cupboard Under the Stairs 4. Penguin Drive Little Winging, Sharkey "Open it," said Chagrid. Jay opened the letter. Inside, it said: PIXWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY Headmaster: Halmus Dumbledonut (Order of Donuts, First Class Donut, Grand Donut., Chf. Donut, Supreme Donut, International Confed. of Wizards and Donuts) Dear Mr. Potter, We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Pixwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Term begins on 1 September. We await your snowy owl by no later than 31 July. Yours fincerely, Minerpan McLocagall Deputy Headfrying Pan "You're a wizard, Harry," said Chagrid. Uncle Veagles came rushing down with Aunt Paigetunia. "What are you doing in our house?" questioned Jay's aunt. "I'm taking your, uh, "son" to Pixwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," he explained. "You're taking Dudley to Pixwarts?" asked Paigetunia. "NO, OF COURSE NOT!" said Chagrid. "I'm taking Harry!" "Oh, okay then," said the Senseis. Chagrid and Jay got to a different place very fast, I don't know how. Chagrid told Jay the story of his parents. "Lilly and... Uh... I forgot the other one's name, but that's not the point, they were killed by (s)he-who-shall-not-be-named," he explained. "Who is (s)he-who-shall-not-be-named?" asked Jay. "Okay, but I'll only say it once," Chagrid told Jay. "Lord/Lady Who is (s)he-who-shall-not-be-named? Lady Justin Biebermort! Lady Cadencemort! Lord Voldherbert! Category:Blog posts